Stop the World, I want to get off.

It's good to see that in an every changing world full of crisis and moral issues, that the most important issue to date is that of celibacy. Forget the nuclear threat of Iran, forget the bloodbath occurring in Iraq, forget the starving millions in North Korea, forget the aids epidemic in Africa, forget the threat of terrorism and the spread of Islam.

Let's get back to basics, let's focus on the past, let's contemplate our navel, picking lint from the navel and turn our backs and on the world, let's put our collective heads in the sand and consider the imminent threat to the Catholic church.
Sex.
To be more specific, priests having sex.
Maybe the mere idea that priests would be allowed to dip their wick into the forbidden areas might instigate a crisis of world proportions to rival all other current crisis.
Imagine thousands of Catholic priests, if not millions, fornicating like they've never fornicated for hundreds of years, can you hear the collective groan of their multiple orgasms?

It would be obviously a massive distraction from their duties and obligations, after all there's a lot of catching up to do. Cassocks would be lifted around waists instead of ground level, schools would be abandoned as boys wandered around lost, without direction or supervision whilst priests go on rampage of lust and lasciviousness not seen since the time of Bocaccio.

I agree with the Pope, better stick to hand relief in the confession cubicle or the world will spin out of control.