A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".
The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it...?
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.
joke2...
Life in a Mental Hospital
A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a truck, with his hands at 10 to 2. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?"
Charlie replies, "Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, "Well Charlie, how was your trip?"
Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest."
That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip.
The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously
Shocked, she shouts, "Ed what are you doing!?"
To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm shagging Charlie's wife while he's in Melbourne"
joke3....
An elderly woman bought a parrot. The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays. The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.
She bought the parrot and the next week she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.
Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's god damned cold in here!"
Everyone turned to look at her, she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner..
The owner offered the following solution, "If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 times and return him to your shoulder.
So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started the parrot squawked, "Its god damned cold in here!"
Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 times and placed him back on her shoulder..
The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said:"Pretty fuckin' windy, too."
3 comments:
Lex:
I've actually heard jokes 1 and 3 before... Joke 2 was new; thank you.
As a parrot owner though, I would not recommend grabbing a parrot by the legs and swinging it around your head... At least, not if you want to keep you eyes.
And on a side note, every now and then my bird will ask people, "How the fuck are you?"
I don't know where she learned that...
michael, I too used to have a pet cockatoo, who became traumatized and plucked all his feathers out. He was one ugly looking bird.
lex:
cockatoos are high maintenance even by bird standards, and are very prone to plucking.
my own bird is a yellow-naped amazon (a central american species). not as cuddly as a cockatoo can be, but also less likely to pluck.
my wife had a cockatiel since she was in high school. a great little bird, but she seemed to think that she was as large and ferocious as an eagle.
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